Photo Credit: Richard Foster
Tips For healthy relationships
· Both people feel they can speak freely about their thoughts, feelings and emotions void of judgment, criticism or dismissal.
· Both people keep their own unique interests and share them with one another, no one is forced to stop doing what he or she loves in order to keep the other happy.
· Both people communicate effectively, honestly and respectfully. This includes verbal, non-verbal and listening:
– Always start a conversation positively. If you want to communicate something that is upsetting you, start by saying something like “I really value our relationship and I am concerned about….”.
– Instead of telling them they aren’t doing something they should, phrase it to “do you think you are doing your share of the house work?” etc.
– Try not to use accusations from “You never help…” to “I feel there is a discrepancy from what you say and do”
– Aim for an agreement and not a fight
· Both people’s beliefs, ideas and opinions can be shared without negativity or dismissal.
· Both people are seen as equal in romantic relationships – no one is better or worse than the other. Both people value and respect each other’s differences.
· Both people can effectively resolve problems or conflicts that arise – both can voice their opinions and issues honestly and both play a role in problem solving.
· Laughing, having fun and doing enjoyable things together is common for relationships – both parties should feel happy to be with one another.
· Other meaningful relationships exist as well as other interests – both people support these other relationships/interests.
· Needs are met on both accounts – no one is lacking to keep the other happy
Ask yourself…
– Am I a good communicator? (I can effectively say how I feel to those I am close too).
– Can I handle constructive criticism about my behavior? (If someone tells me I have upset them, I am able to listen to their point, take on board what they said and put measures in place?).
– Am I a good listener? (I can listen attentively to the opinions, beliefs, and ideas of others even if I do not agree with them and respond respectfully).
– Am I good at problem-solving, conflict resolution and negotiating? (I can address problems effectively without making the situation worse).
How to communicate effectively
Communicating is an extremely important aspect of every relationship. Effective communication comprises of two specific principles; firstly, speaking clearly and honestly about how you feel and conveying it in a calm manner and secondly, listening to what the other person has to say, taking it on board and showing you have understood them.
When communicating, try to use “I” sentences when stating how you feel, as this does not judge or accuse others. Try: “I feel…”, “I think…”, “I believe…”, “In my opinion….”, “I would like…” –instead of – “Its your fault…”, “You always…”, “You think…”, “I wish you would…”, “You don’t…”
When communicating, try to avoid:
· Dictating, Ordering, Commanding i.e. “Do this now…”
· Labeling, judging, Criticizing, Blaming i.e. “You always do that…”, “You’re such a grump”
· Probing, Questioning i.e. “Why did you do that…where did you go…who were you with…are you telling me the truth…”
· Threatening, Warning, Arguing i.e. “You better do this…or…”, “I’m going to…if you did”
· Preaching, Advising, Ridiculing i.e. “You have to…”, “You must…or”, “You really should..”
Listening is just as important as speaking. Communication is a two-way street and listening to what the other person has to say can really change how you may have perceived something.
How to be an effective listener:
· Be attentive: Really listen to what is being said. Put away distracting devices such as phones, Ipad’s, turn off the television etc, and be in the present moment. Show the person you are listening by giving them eye contact and nodding your head to communicate that you understand.
· Understanding the emotions of others is an important skill to have. Empathy helps the speaker feel as though you understand their feelings and shows them that you do not judge them. By saying, “I understand you are feeling….”, “I can see you are…”, “From what you have said, I can tell you are…” This helps to clarify what’s being communicated and that you understand them.
· Furthermore, summarising what they have told and communicating it back to them helps to reiterate the last point, clarifying the issue allows both people to see whether they are on the same page.
· Show you are present by asking questions. Try to avoid “why?” questions as the speaker may not want to reveal this. Asking questions such as “how do you think you will handle it…”, “how did you feel afterwards…”, “How do you feel now…” will help them to open up and not feel like they are being probed.
· A good listener should be able to sit in silence while the speaker is thinking about what was just said or before they say something. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but being comfortable in silence is an important skill to achieve.
Being an assertive communicator means you are clearly communicating your feelings directly without offending or hurting the other person. Once you can communicate assertively, you will find that your conversations are rarely causing upset or resulting in a fight and you have the ability to compromise and find an effective solution.
How to be assertive:
· Say your point without being aggressive or apologetic
· Maintain eye contact, communicate in a clear tone and be direct
· Be honest and open about your feelings and feel confident with what you are expressing
· Acknowledge what the other person has to say, be respectful and listen to their side and take responsibility when appropriate
· Do not apologise or feel guilty about saying ‘no’ – but again, be respectful by saying ‘no, thank you’