Setting Boundaries and Managing Expectations

Setting boundaries and managing expectations are critical in order to avoid disappointment and maintain healthy and rewarding relationships.

Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries may seem like a selfish thing to do, however, it is anything but. Some people find setting boundaries with others to be natural and easy. Others find this very difficult, particularly if they’ve had an upbringing or past in which they’ve had little experience with setting boundaries, or good role models (ie, parents) in this regard.

Boundaries should be set with all types of relationships: parents, children, siblings, friends, partners, etc. Many relationships don’t require these boundaries to be formally set out or spoken about, especially if they’re solid boundaries that both parties respect. However, some relationships do cross those lines every so often, and when they do, it’s important to take steps to redraw those lines. Let’s see how that can be done:

Acknowledge your own feelings

The first step to setting boundaries is to take a step back and analyse your own feelings. Sometimes we become so enmeshed in another person’s life that we struggle to take this step back. However, it’s critical that we create some space for ourselves and think about how we are feeling about the relationship. For example, perhaps your friend has been making critical comments that make you feel bad, or your parents have been putting undue pressure on you which makes you feel insecure or frustrated.

Have your boundaries been crossed?

At this point, we should be able to establish whether we think our boundaries have been crossed. Perhaps a sibling is always asking to borrow money but never pays it back. Or your friend is texting you late at night and expecting you to answer. Maybe your partner is encroaching on your privacy by reading letters addressed to you, or showing up unannounced. Perhaps a work colleague or client is always showing up late for appointments or meetings.

Setting your boundary

Once you have recognised what’s being done to make you feel overwhelmed, drained, upset, frustrated, or any other negative feeling, you can start to take steps towards setting boundaries- and letting the other person know about it.

Using the above examples, you could decide that you’re not going to loan your sibling any more money until they’ve paid back what they owe you. Or you’re going to turn your phone onto silent before you go to bed, and not look at it until morning. If your partner is displaying behaviour you’re not happy or comfortable with, you can now tell them, ‘I don’t want you opening my mail’ or ‘You need to ask before you come over.’ For your tardy client or colleague, you can let them know that if they’re more than 15 minutes late, they’ll have to reschedule.

Have the conversation

Now you’ve decided where the boundaries are, the next critical step is to let the other person know about it. This can be extremely difficult, as it may result in a conflict, which you may be wanting to avoid. However, in the long run, having this conversation will make things easier, even if there’s conflict in the short term. Ensuring that you remain calm and be very clear and concise about where the boundary is will make the conversation easier and hopefully the other person will react to your non-confrontational tone and approach and remain respectful and understanding. It may be tempting to miss this step, especially if you’re trying to avoid conflict. However, this will only make life more difficult.

You may think that the best thing to do is try and enforce the boundary without letting the other person know about it, and they’ll soon get the message. However, this will likely lead to more confusion and conflict in the future. A clear, calm and rational conversation is a far better option to ensure all parties understand the new boundaries.

It’s natural to feel guilty if there is any backlash, but remember that your first priority must be looking after yourself. Once the boundaries are established, your relationship can grow even stronger and healthier.

Managing Expectations

Now that we’ve established the importance of setting boundaries with the people around us, we can move on to managing expectations. This is a little like setting boundaries, except in reverse. Instead of thinking about what lines we need to create in order to protect our own personal space, managing the expectations of others ensures that you aren’t setting yourself up for disappointment, confusion or encroaching across other people’s boundaries.

Let’s take a look at how we can best manage unrealistic expectations.

Never assume

When in doubt, ask. Ask your friend, coworker, or child. Ask what it is they want or need in any particular situation. It’s so easy to assume that your spouse is going to want their favourite meal for their birthday dinner. But really they might just want to take a quiet bath. This also ensures you’re respecting their boundaries.

Removing expectations is kind

Being misunderstood never feels good. Human beings thrive on feeling that they are connected with others. When our expectations are projected onto others, the consequences can be very uncomfortable when the assumptions fail.

Let’s take the example of a friend who texts late at night, but in this scenario, we are the ones sending texts into the late hours. Perhaps the person on the other end works late or is a night owl, so we set the expectation that they’ll be happy to text us back, especially if we are craving advice or feel lonely. However, this is an unfair expectation, and when your friend doesn’t reply- perhaps they’re busy, have gone to sleep, or simply need some time-out- this can create confusion, conflict and disappointment.

Let’s look at another example. Perhaps you’re expecting your parents to babysit your children whenever you need them to: after all, if you’re a busy, working parent who’s also trying to juggle a social life and hobbies, it’s tempting to expect the grandparents to step in to babysit when necessity dictates. However, there may be a variety of good reasons why your parents aren’t able to, or simply don’t want to, babysit and putting those expectations on them is unkind. Be kind to others and manage your expectations of them.

Enjoy what your life looks like today

This isn’t about the expectations of others; this is about having expectations of yourself.

All too often we compare ourselves to others and fall short in one way or another. Then roll in those fantasies and dreams that really are just expectations in disguise: “As soon as I get that raise, I’ll be happy.” “Once we’re married, I’ll feel content and like my life has really begun.” “All I need to be fulfilled is x, y, z.”

Social media doesn’t help in this respect. When scrolling through your friends’ feeds, it might be tempting to assume that their lives are fantastic and amazing, because they cherry-pick those moments where everything is going well and post a photo or an update. Don’t fall into the trap of aligning the expectations of your own life with what you see of others online. Managing expectations of yourself are just as critical as managing expectations of others.