My name is Dr Lani Roy. I am The Founder and Director of The Signs of Life Psychology and I am a psychologist, social worker, researcher, teacher, mother, and wife. I have worked in the fields of mental health, suicide prevention, trauma, sexual abuse, family violence, Auslan sign language and the disability sector.
I have lived experience of trauma and healing with the use of psychedelics.
I identify as being part of the global Ayahuasca Vegetalista dietero culture and community and I have ethics approval to engage in research in this field. Please see the glossary of terms at the end of this blog for more details about this.
In my professional clinical roles, there can be a perceived imbalance of power given I work with people with mental health conditions who may be vulnerable to advice. I am mindful of my professional roles when I share my lived experiences of psychedelics which have been positive and beneficial to my own healing journey.
In any disclosures that I make regarding my lived experience, I am open and honest about the impact it has had on my life. I approach this potential for power and influence with a profound sene of gravity and dedication. I do not encourage the use of illegal psychedelics, nor do I make global claims that they are more effective than frontline treatments. I do, however, discuss all treatment options with individuals, and their suitability for psychedelic treatment. Where appropriate, I may disclose parts of my personal experience. I consistently seek to balance these discussions with other important perspectives — including balancing freedom of spirituality, evidence-based science, lived experience, the risks and potential benefits for each individual on a case-by-case basis.
I am also a psychedelic and plant medicine advocate… And I am finally ready to share my story. I preface this story by saying that I do not represent the psychology or social work professions and am speaking from my own personal lived experience. This was a deeply personal journey and while I talk about feelings of isolation and suffering, these experiences did not adversely affect the care I gave to patients.
When I turned 30 years old, I was a decade into my career as a sexual abuse and suicide prevention therapist. I had always loved my work and had enormous energy and joy for my clients and projects.
During this period, I was juggling the completion of my PhD, raising my two young sons, expanding my private practices, and fulfilling multiple roles in the community. Gradually, I found myself descending into what I now recognise as a profound “crisis of self” and subsequent personal growth. Over a two-year period, I grappled with existential anxiety, a fear of mortality and overwhelming suffering — suffering not only for individuals affected by sexual, emotional, and physical abuse but also for my own clients. I became disillusioned with conventional treatments offered by mainstream mental health services, which contributed to occupational burnout. I felt a sense of failure, believing that I was unable to help them effectively.
Throughout those two years, while completing my PhD, navigating complex trauma cases, and attending parks and playgroups with my children, my physical, mental and spiritual well-being began to deteriorate. In my professional life, I was still providing professional care and mental health support for my clients. But, unbeknownst to them I was spiraling into a deep abyss of emptiness in my personal life — internally oscillating between emotional numbness and paralysing terror. I was actively seeking professional supervision and therapy to maintain professional competencies. I tried everything — meditation, mindfulness, hypnotherapy, exercise, therapy, supervision, spending time with friends and family. I had resources, support, and a happy and loving marriage of 18 years, but the suffering deepened. People around me were at a loss for how to assist. Even my psychologists were running out of ideas and the capacity to hold my darkness.
It was during this time that I gained a profound understanding of the mindset of those contemplating suicide. Throughout my professional career, I had supported people grappling with suicidal thought, but I never fully comprehended the extent of their pain until I personally underwent my own dark night of the soul.
I also gained a deeper respect for myself as a woman and a mother during this time; I was able to compartmentalise my pain and keep significant levels of joy and happiness flowing in my household for my children and for my clients at work. However, this was exhausting, and something drastic needed to happen. In the late nights, as my beautiful family slept, I was wide awake. I began researching alternative treatments for over a year. I explored topics ranging as far and wide as atheism, panpsychism, physics, cosmology, theories of space and time, neurotheology, and of course nihilism. Somewhere in this rigorous, yet desperate search, I found Ayahuasca.
Ayahuasca brew is originally of the Amazon rainforest, used by indigenous people in different shamanic settings, for a variety of purposes: contacting spirits, fighting witchcraft, healing, purging, and treating culture-bound syndromes (Apud et al., 2023). The therapeutic potential of Ayahuasca has been investigated in preclinical and clinical studies (Rossi et al., 2022). Currently, most research refers to treatment for depression (Maia et al., 2023). Much of this research suggests that the combination of social interactions and the pharmacological action of ayahuasca could facilitate the manifestation of social emotions during the ritual, and may contribute to the long-term increase of empathic and social aspects of personality (Maia et al., 2023). There is a lot that science has yet to learn about Ayahuasca, but randomized placebo-controlled trials show potential for treatment resistant depression (Palhano-Fontes et al., 2019) and social anxiety disorder (Dos Santos et al., 2021). Furthermore, there are rich anthropological accounts of the potential healing properties of Ayahuasca, particularly from indigenous cultures where these medicines have been woven into the fabric of society for hundreds of years; held legally, with ritual, ceremony and within a wider community context.
I remember looking at my husband and saying, “It is either I go to the jungle or a psychiatric ward.” The next day I booked my ticket to Peru. It was time to come face-to-face with my suffering, my pain, my trauma, and ultimately my true self.
Boarding the plane alone was the most courageous act I had ever undertaken. My psychologist told me not to go and that I was making a mistake. In part, they were right as psychedelics are not safe or effective for everyone. While most people report transformative and positive experiences with ayahuasca, it is crucial to recognise that there are potential risks and adverse effects associated with its use (Apud et al., 2023).
Ayahuasca ceremonies can induce intense and overwhelming psychological experiences. Some individuals encounter feelings of fear, anxiety, confusion, or paranoia during their journey (Apud et al., 2023). Ayahuasca can also cause physical discomfort like nausea, vomiting and increased heart rate (Maia et al., 2023). It is also essential to understand that Ayahuasca contains potent active compounds that interact negatively with certain medications, particularly antidepressants and other psychiatric medications (Maia et al., 2023).
I felt fear and trepidation at letting go of my consciousness and what little sanity it had left. In my mind, I said goodbye to my husband and children. I felt that I was approaching death, and I was right. Death, of course, enables rebirth and I emerged determined to find change. My first night drinking Ayahuasca was both the death, and the birth of my being. I sat down in the dark and drank two big cups; with cosmic levels of fear, I pulled the psychedelic trigger. This retreat centre has a strong reputation for safety and despite being full of fear, a part of me felt safe to let go. During this journey I processed traumatic memories of my past sexual abuse and domestic violence; my ego and sense of self dissolved; I experienced the most fear I have ever experienced in my life; I died; I was born; I purged out global, archetypal, personal, and client traumas. I also experienced realms, dimensions, spirits, downloads, and the felt sense of an external presence acknowledging and supporting me. This was very emotionally challenging and without proper guidance, support and integration following the ceremony, I would not have had such a positive experience. For vulnerable individuals or in the absence of appropriate support, this experience could create further mental health difficulties or re-traumatisation (Perkins et al., 2023).
Following this experience, I entered a period of isolation to participate in a mapacho dieta under the strict supervision of a trained curandero. This practice involves the ceremonial use of drinking mapacho (nicotina rustica) and purging. Each day, I drank mapacho in isolation and spent time in deep meditation; grounding, integrating, processing, and healing. It should be acknowledged that Mapacho dietas come with significant risks and not purging after drinking mapacho is lethal. It is important to seek medical advice and approach this practice mindfully and responsibly. Nonetheless, mapacho dietas remain a legal practice in Peru with a strong historical and cultural context of use for healing. Ratsch (2002b:17) states that in the shamanic context, mapacho takes on many roles such as purifier, protector, messenger and killer of germs, with its antibiotic and antibacterial properties. She asserts that “without tobacco, South American Shamanism is unthinkable and unimaginable. That is an ethnographic fact. A horrific thought for Western Esoterics, a riddle for pharmacologists, — and a godsend for researchers” (2002b:17).
Mapacho dietas come with significant risks and it is important to seek medical advice and approach this practice mindfully and responsibly. Over the coming weeks following the mapacho dieta, I went on to do San Pedro cactus and more Ayahuasca ceremonies.
Both medicines worked synergistically for me. Whilst this is not every person’s experience, Ayahuasca expanded me beyond my biggest and wildest fears. San Pedro helped me experience the drumbeat of the natural world; I could hear the animals, the trees, the jungle, and in a sense the beat of my own heart and all the aspects in my life which connect me to a sense of meaning and purpose. San Pedro grounded me back into my body, my heart, and my practical and rational mind. This ultimately helped me to process many aspects of my Ayahuasca journeys, which for me, remain beyond language, space, and time. I learned new ways of thinking about mental wellness.
I will never forget the feeling of jumping into the Amazon River with no fear. As I swam with excitement, I could see my new sense of self emerging. I drove out of the jungle on a little rusty boat in the darkness of the early morning, into the light of the bustling city of Iquitos, and knew I was ready to return home. However, I wondered if the people in my life were ready for the changes within me?
On my return to Australia, I found myself attempting to implement these profound experiences alone, without professional support or community that could truly comprehend my journey. I felt a deep sense of reverse culture shock. I returned with eyes that could see the environment that our modern world can generate; the disconnection, mass consumption, greed, sheer lack of depth and empathy for others. This is a common challenge for ayahuasca drinkers returning home after ceremony. It is not uncommon for individuals to experience some level of emotional or psychological difficulty in the weeks or months following their experiences, with a higher number of such difficulties associated with poor long term mental health outcomes (Perkins et al., 2023).
Few were willing to engage in discussion about the epistemology of plant spirits, or could tolerate the notion that my most life changing experience involved losing my mind in the dark with an exotic brew. This felt challenging, and in retrospect, it’s easy to see why: being able to share ceremony experiences with peers, friends or family helps participants integrate what Ayahuasca has shown them (Callon et al., 2021). My psychologists doubted the longevity of my progress and were hesitant to explore the immense potential of psychedelics in mental health.
My family and friends saw the changes in me and would often say “Lani, you look and sound so different, how did you get better?”. It took me a long time to respond confidently and openly, without censorship “I went to the jungle and drank Ayahuasca, San Pedro and spent a lot of time alone with a master plant, that’s what changed me.”
I am an Ayahuasca dietera.
I am a Psychologist/ Social Worker.
I am a Scientist-Practitioner.
I wear all these titles and more, embracing paradox and complexity with pride. Can this make people uncomfortable? Yes…. But progress and growth are often uncomfortable.
Each day I wake up with a new mystery and adventure to explore. My ability to hold darkness and trauma has expanded beyond what I could have ever imagined, allowing me to offer support in profound ways.
In a few short years, I am now running The Signs of Life Psychological Services. Through SOL, I am actively involved in cultivating a national community of professional experts who are skilled in harm reduction preparation, and integration services. It is our mission to ensure that those who choose to explore psychedelics in therapy contexts have access to safe and supportive environments. We understand the importance of comprehensive preparation and integration to maximise potential benefits and minimise risks.
By fostering collaboration and sharing knowledge among experts in the field, we strive to create a network of professionals who are well-versed in the ethical and responsible use of psychedelics. Our aim is to provide individuals with support to navigate their healing journey with intention, integration, and long-term wellbeing in mind.
As the founder of Signs of Life Psychology I specialise in harm reduction in the field of psychedelics, sexual abuse and complex trauma. Through this work, we acknowledge that already marginalised groups are more vulnerable to experiencing harm including People of Colour and LGBTQIA+ community. We work with the knowledge that drug use is a complex, multi-faceted phenomenon and advocate for decriminalisation and harm reduction.
I have revitalised hope for the mental health system as we, as a global community, pioneer the clinical use of psychedelics. I work each day providing clinical support to people who have had similar experiences. After 15 years of working as a trauma specialist, I can finally witness transformations facilitated by plant medicines.
I have the privilege of walking side by side with a team of wise, humble, and skilled academics and practitioners. Together, with you, and the wisdom of these plants and molecules… we will change the mental health system.
This is only one chapter of my story; there are many layers and journeys left untold.
As I continue to grow as a wife, mother, friend, leader, mentor, teacher, researcher, and advocate for plant medicine, I acknowledge that there is still much for me to learn. With the guidance of scientific and medical professionals who uphold integrity, I will do my best with what time I have on this earth to generate as much healing, joy and dreaming as I can.
Glossary
Ayahuasca
The word ayahuasca comes fromQuechua, a language from the Andean region, with aya meaning “soul” or “dead spirit”, and waska meaning “rope” or “vine”. The word is used to describe the vine Banisteriopsis caapi, the main ingredient of a natural psychoactive preparation used for centuries by indigenous groups from Northwestern Amazonian countries such as Brazil, Peru, Colombia, and Ecuador for ritual, religious, and therapeutic purposes (Schultes & Hofmann, 1992).
Dieta
A dieta is a contract made between a curandero, or student of curanderismo, and a particular plant spirit (Luna, 1986).
Dietera/o
Dieteras (female) and dieteros (male) are apprentices who are taking part in an Ayahuasca ceremony (Marcus, 2022).
Curandera/o
Curanderas (female) and curanderos (male) are healers that use herbs and other natural and supernatural remedies to cure ailments.
Acknowledgement of Country
We recognise the continuous and deep connection to Country, of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Peoples, as the first peoples of this nation. In this way, we respectfully acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the land, waters, sea, and sky. We invite you to tune into a body of water, mountain or land space that is sacred to you and feel deeply into your own connection to Country. We also acknowledge the Elders, alters and ancient lineages in the sacred spaces that surround plant medicines and psychedelic molecules from around the world. We pay tribute to the Elders past and present and respect the collective ancestry that has bought us all here today. It is an honour to be teaching on Country and we hope that our work here supports the true custodianship of this land.
Disclaimer
The Signs of Life — “SOL” acknowledges drug use as a complex, multi-faceted phenomenon in line with Australia’s harm minimisation approach. SOL does not endorse, encourage, or facilitate illegal use of substances but does advocate for decriminalisation, and for Psychedelic therapy purposes. This is in line with our mission to support our clients by providing high-quality, clinical, and therapeutic education and training services grounded in evidence. If you require psychological support for psychedelics or any other substances we encourage you to speak to your GP and consult a psychologist or therapist.
Thank you to Kim Day a friend and fellow researcher and Sam Douglas from Psychedelic Overground for your editing support and guidance on this journey.
https://www.psychedelicoverground.com/about
References
Apud, I., Scuro, J., Carrera, I., & Oliveri, A. (2023). Ayahuasca Ritual, Personality and Sociality: Observational Research Conducted in a Substance Use Disorder Rehabilitation Center in Uruguay. Psychoactive Drugs. 55(2), 141–150.
Adelaars, A., Ratsch, C., & Muller-Ebeling, C. (2016). Ayahuasca: Rituals, Magic Potions, and Visionary Art from the Amazon (Illustrated ed.). Divine Arts.
Callon, C., Williams, M., & Lafrance, A. (2021). “Meeting the Medicine Halfway”: Ayahuasca Ceremony Leaders” Perspectives on Preparation and Integration Practices for Participants. Journal of Humanistic Psychology, doi:10.1177/00221678211043300.
Dos Santos, R. G., de Lima Osório, F., Rocha, J. M., Rossi, G. N., Bouso, J. C., Rodrigues, L. S., … & Hallak, J. E. C. (2021). Ayahuasca improves self-perception of speech performance in subjects with social anxiety disorder: A pilot, proof-of-concept, randomized, placebo-controlled trial. Journal of clinical psychopharmacology, 41(5), 540–550.
Maia, L.O., Daldegan-Bueno, D., Wießner, I., Araujo, D.B., & Tófoli, L. F. (2023). Ayahuasca’s therapeutic potential: What we know — and what not. Neuropsychopharmacol. 66, 45–61.
McKenna, D. J. (2004). Clinical investigations of the therapeutic potential of ayahuasca: rationale and regulatory challenges. Pharmacology & Therapeutics. 102(2), 111–129.
Palhano-Fontes, F., Barreto, D., Onias, H., Andrade, K., Novaes, M., Pessoa, J., . . . & Araújo, D. (2019). Rapid antidepressant effects of the psychedelic ayahuasca in treatment-resistant depression: A randomized placebo-controlled trial. Psychological Medicine, 49(4), 655–663. doi:10.1017/S0033291718001356
Perkins, D., Ruffell, S.G.D., Day, K., Pinzon Rubiano, D., & Sarris, J. (2023). Psychotherapeutic and neurobiological processes associated with ayahuasca: A proposed model and implications for therapeutic use. Frontiers in Neuroscience. 31(16).
Rossi, G. N., Dias, I. C., Baker, G., Bouso Saiz, J. C., Dursun, S. M., Hallak, J. E., & Dos Santos, R. G. (2022). Ayahuasca, a potentially rapid acting antidepressant: Focus on safety and tolerability. Expert Opinion on Drug Safety, 21(6), 789–801.